Not Exactly An Olympian

Dave:2, Asian Ladies:0

Apparently I have re-entered the sport (?) of accidentally biffing Asian ladies in the forehead with inanimate objects. Since no one else seems to be participating in this activity I currently hold the record at two. To be fair, I don't suggest that anyone take this up as a hobby. After all, it's taken me six years to get this far, and it's not exactly politically correct. Plus, it requires such a colossal accident that it's not very easy to do. Besides, I never really wanted or even intended to do this, but I seem to have a gift.

For those who are interested, here's the recap.

Dateline: June, 2003

It was in the Summer in which I would meet my wife, and the dying days of my punk rock band Uncle Dick. After a rehearsal three of us (my brother Derek, bass, and our friend Tim, drums) went out to the local Chinese place. We ordered and sat in the chairs in front of the counter waiting for our food. In the corner there were those little quarter vending machines that sell super-hard gumballs and crappy toys. One of the machines had super balls in it. Being grown children, we all went and bought a super ball each. As it was taking a little longer than normal to get our food, we all started playing with our balls (stop it-no laughing), by bouncing them up and down (I'm serious-quit snickering you perverts) in front of our chairs. Now, I was quite tired that evening and possibly annoyed by something-two natural states for me- and my ball control was not as it should be (oh, grow up).

Instead of bouncing the ball straight up and down I threw it at an angle and a little harder than I meant to. So it bounced back over my head, hit the wall and before I could catch it hit the girl behind the counter on the forehead. Ever try to apologize while laughing your butt off? Doesn't work. She gave me quite an evil stare. She also kept my super ball, which kinda ticked me off. After all, I did pay for it. I was going to go back and ask for it once we left, but was persuaded otherwise.

I never went back to that establishment, and didn't eat the food that night either-just in case.

Which brings us to today. Dateline:Februrary 2010.

In a clever twist, I was at work behind the counter waiting on two Asian ladies who wanted to sell their scrap gold. One spoke English quite well, the other was only limited. Or, at least she didn't speak much in front of me. Anyway, I'd quoted them my price on their gold, but they'd expected much more. This is quite common, as most people don't really understand how selling gold jewelry works-the differences in karat weight as it relates to spot price on gold and the whole retail vs. wholesale thing can be a little confusing and off putting to those who are new to the business.

So I printed a buying chart for them so that they could see the numbers and understand what we were doing and how I arrived at my offer. Again, this is not uncommon, and the explanation usually requires some circling on the chart and a few notes in the margins as well. I grabbed a pen and, very nonchalantly, began to remove the cap. Well, I've been quite tired lately and somewhat annoyed...and I must have gotten my thumb under the cap because it flew off of my pen.

It hit the lady who didn't speak much English right in the forehead. She does know the word "ow". Her friend, however, began laughing so hard she cried as I once again apologized, while trying not to laugh myself. I wound up giving them a higher offer, and making the bare minimum amount of money on the deal. That's called customer service. It's also called covering your ass, which is often the same thing.

So there you have it. The ludicrousness of the situation floors me. What a coincidence-and what are the odds I could do that twice? It's just nuts, man. Anyway, that's how I came to hold this prestigious, albeit dubious, record. I don't want a trophy, no sponsorships or even financial reward.

But I'd still like that super ball back.