Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Okay, I admit it...I'm a Globophobe

Phobias.

Many people have them. Most phobias are quite common and understandable, even to those who don't share that particular fear. The fear of heights for example. Or spiders. Or large bodies of water. All perfectly acceptable things to be afraid of. After all, if you're going to have a phobia, have a popular one.

But not me. Nope. I have a weird one. I have been able to get over most of my fears. Flying, for one. I still don't particularly like to fly but I have done it successfully and scratched it off of my list. I have gotten better about the arachnophobia as well. I mean, I still freak out at really BIG spiders, but your standard household variety I can gingerly walk up to and smoosh. However, there is one fear that is so illogical, so weird that I don't believe it shall ever be defeated.

I have globophobia-the fear of balloons.

No, really, I do. Stop snickering. It's a thing. Google it.

The prevailing theory is that us globophobes had something traumatic happen to us as children regarding balloons. Probably having one pop in our face or something of that ilk. In fact, the most common fear amongst my fellow balloon haters is the fear that of a popping balloon. Now, in the past I have gone on record stating other reasons for my condition. Usually something like "They just float there, man!" or some such nonsense. I have always been embarrassed by this but if the truth be told, yeah, I'm afraid the dang thing will pop.

But it's not a passive fear, it is intense. As soon as I see a balloon I get nervous, sweaty, my pulse quickens, and a part of my brain goes in to a hyper sensitive protection mode. I immediately size up the room and all possible popping scenarios. I need to figure out how many balloons there are, where they are in proximity to me, and if anyone in the room seems to be a little too happy or frivolous and might just make a play for the balloon. I have left parties I just arrived to because the balloon to human ratio was all out of whack.

Oh, and the most important question: are there any children around? Nothing is worse than a child who is allowed to play with balloons. Have you seen what children do with balloons? They ride them, sit on them, bite at them, kick them, hit each other with them, drag them on the floor, flail them about madly, and I don't know what else because by then I'm almost in panic mode and just want to go home. A child with a balloon is completely unpredictable and is not to be trusted.

In fact, balloons are not allowed in my house. My kids are limited to school/church functions as far as playing with balloons go. If they do happen to sneak one in it must remain in the basement, out of my sight, until it has withered down to nothing and can be easily disposed. A few weeks ago my daughter Melody was given an uninflated balloon by a friend. She  came up to me and said, "Daddy, do you know how to blow this up?" "No," I replied, "No I don't". I know it was mean but, seriously, what else could I do...inflate the thing?!!! Not an option.

I have read various tips on how to get over this condition. Everything from blowing balloons up yourself to playing with them on your own (no kids) and being "in control" of the popping. None of these have worked for me, they only make it worse. I am cursed.

Okay, having said all this I should make it clear that I have found ways to deal with my phobia. I mostly keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. Those high school acting classes have paid off. I try not to make a big deal out of it and most people are unaware there is an issue. It's been a long time since I had a full scale balloon induced panic attack, and I have no reason to think I shall have another. But inside I still freak out just the same.

So, don't worry about me. Have your parties and your fairs and carnivals. Decorate with balloons if you need to. But if you've invited me, maybe don't use quite so many. Okay?

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014 Top Ten Rock CDs-and More!

So it is time once again for my annual top ten records list. This year I mostly stayed away from anything too hipster, and got back into the old school metal bands who are still putting out new stuff. I also missed a lot of the alt-country stuff that came out, although that was probably more of an oversight on my part than anything intentional. And why did I not buy that new Prince stuff? I had it in my hand more than a few times and put it back. Seriously...

Anyway, here's how the 2014 year in rock broke down for yours truly. First, a few random notes then the list.

DISAPPOINTMENTS OF THE YEAR:

HOZIER-HOZIER: turns out I completely misunderstood that "Take Me To Church" song. Whoops. The rest is okay, but reminds me too much of Van Morrison, and we all know that's a no-no in my book.

JUDAS PRIEST-REDEEMER OF SOULS: Most reviewers found it a welcome step back on the right path. I found it to be plodding and predictable. Not bad by any stretch, but not exciting either.

BEST REISSUE:

THE KINKS-ANTHOLOGY 1964-1971: Come on, it's the Kinks! Beautiful pop, prototype hard rock and clever lyrics from the most important underrated English band ever. Essential songs.

INELIGIBLE BUT AWESOME:

HARD WORKING AMERICANS-HARD WORKING AMERICANS: Alt-country/hippie rock super group featuring Todd Snider and members of Widespread Panic and the Chris Robinson Brotherhood. It's an album full of alt-country covers, all good songs and done very well. It made me want to hunt down a few of the originals, which is what this type of project should do. But no originals, so it can't make the list by default.

Okay, here we go:

TOP TEN LIST 2014:

1. PIXIES-INDIE CITY

Yeah, I'm surprised this is number one for me as well. But every time I listen to it I experience it differently. Every time I began to think about this year's music, this was the first record that came to mind, so that pretty much says it all, right? Oh, and I know it's not the original line up, but I don't care either. I'm not a purist, purists miss out on so much good music due to their righteous blindness. Like this record, for example.

2. FOO FIGHTERS-SONIC HIGHWAYS

I know there are those who have a strong dislike for this record, and I understand why, but I completely disagree. This is the most unified Foos record to date. They have finally made a full, coherent statement and I love it. Their previous disc,Wasting Light was a strong record and, I believe, a fine end cap to the first half of the band's career. This sounds like the transition into part 2 and I can't wait to see where it goes. Fabulously interesting record. My only complaint is it's too short.

3. U2-SONGS OF INNOCENCE

Okay, for some reason people complained about receiving free music from arguably the biggest band in the world. In a time where the music industry is suffering due to so many people trying to receive free music. This was genius marketing, because even if you felt like your privacy was violated(really?), love it or hate it, U2 were on every one's lips for weeks. Fortunately the music holds up to the hype. At first listen it seems a little rushed and simplistic for U2, but the more I hear it, I think that was the point. The musical landscape is still broad and beautiful, and "The Miracle Of Joey Ramone" may be their best anthem in years.

4. THE BOTH-THE BOTH

I loves me some power pop, and when it's done intelligently and without falling into the traps of the genre, well, that's a reason to celebrate. The Both is a duo made up of solo artists Aimee Mann and Ted Leo. Both bring their own strengths and songwriting traits to this project and have come up with not just a copy of their own work but a cohesive blend that is its own thing. Melodic, smart, and fun with choruses that have stuck in my head all year long. "You can te-ell, it's a nucleus burning inside of a shell"... with hand claps. That's what this is.

5. DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS-ENGLISH OCEANS

A solid record by one of my favorite bands. This is a fine return to form from the baddest Southern band in the land. While not their best, English Oceans is their best offering in quite some time. With the song list split almost evenly between founders/writers/singers Patterson Hood and Mike Cooley there are delights aplenty to be had here. Hood's stories and songs see him as both the South's harshest critic and staunchest defender, while Cooley gets to the heart of the desperate human condition with his usual sarcastic wit.

6. PRONG-RUINING LIVES

A great, modern metal record by an underrated and misunderstood old school band. Okay, so it's really just like one dude now, but this disc is awesome! It's heavy all the way through with little moments of  thrash metal for good measure, without resorting to processed Cookie Monster vocals. Then there's just the right amount of melody to make the songs burrow into the brain, making it a real treat of an album. Prong came along late 80s/early 90s, and everyone from Helmet and Pantera to Korn and Nine Inch Nails were influenced by them. While "Ruining Lives"is a little more back to basics than that list might make you think, it certainly attests to the validity of Prong in general. And in a year when Overkill, Exodus and Accept all came back with excellent releases, being the best of the bunch is no small feat!

7. THE STRYPES-SNAPSHOT

Fantastic record. If you have ever been a fan of the "Maximum R&B" style of music from '60s Britain (think early Who), then this will make you happy. These guys attack their songs with passion and energy and they are so good. Especially since the average age of the band is about 19 and they weren't even born when this music was popular! The only reason this disc isn't higher up the list is because it has four cover songs on it and that's a little too much for my tastes. Otherwise, though, I really dig it. So good.

8. IMELDA MAY-TRIBAL

The queen of retro-cool returns. Imelda May has one of my favorite voices in along time. In the past she has mixed rockabilly style songs with 40s/50s style ballads to stunning effect. This record is much more raw musically and is almost a pure rockabilly record but is none the worse for it. Very enjoyable and one of those records that stands up to repeated listenings. Oh yeah, not only can she belt it out, but she writes her own stuff too.

9.BENJAMIN BOOKER-BENJAMIN BOOKER

Blues guitar? Punk riffs? Yes please. This is a young guy who's just killing it. He sounds Delta blues to the core, but mixes it with the energy of punk. On the few occasions where he does slow it down the effect is other worldly. Booker sings with a veteran, beat up old blues man's voice adding even more authenticity to the record. As a result, I have no idea what the man is talking about-could come straight from God or the Devil, I have no clue. But isn't that the way the blues should be? Legit.

10.JOHNNY CASH-OUT AMONG THE STARS

I know, I know, I'm breaking my own rule here that posthumous releases are ineligible, because they are not new. However, these songs are all previously unreleased. And I listened to this disc once or twice a week all summer long. The recordings are taken from what is generally thought of as a weak period in Cash's career and they are indicative of the time. But Johnny just sounds like he's enjoying these songs so much, he's just in fine form throughout and again, the songs haven't left my head.


HONORABLE MENTIONS

JENNY LEWIS-THE VOYAGER

Highly confessional pop to make you think and dance. Love that voice too.

OFF!-WASTED YEARS

Album #2 from my new fave hardcore punk band. Plenty angry lyrics and vintage sound. What's not to like? And the songs are all about 2 minutes-twice as long as their previous work. Nice to see a band progress.

OLD 97S-MOST MESSED UP

Another fun, singable record from a really good at country/rock band. First time they have ever dropped an f-bomb on a disc though, and they dropped it everywhere. Not offended, but a little disappointed ( and slightly impressed by the sheer volume). Still a good listen though.

AC/DC-ROCK OR BUST

I am a casual AC/DC fan, they were a favorite back in school. I pick up the  occasional disc on a whim, and of course you know what to expect. But this time I was curious since the band had a lot on their shoulders. They needed to honor Malcom's legacy (after having to quit the band he started due to dementia) and prove that they were worthy of carrying on. The band has succeeded here. Not only does it have the familiar trademark sound, but there are a few pleasant surprises here stylistically. In the end it's another AC/DC record, but a good one.

Alright, kids, that'll do for now. There are more records I could discuss but it's 2015 now and I have to save up some money for a few new records. See ya down the line.