Remember last year when confessed my love for Christmas music (traditional and modern) and listed a bunch of my favorite songs? Well, here's the opposite of that.
Even a self proclaimed Christmas music geek like myself has a line. There are songs I just don't like. I'm not talking about a mild dislike here either. For example, "The First Noel" isn't exactly a favorite of mine. Not a bad song, mind you, and it's got nice lyrics, it's just not my cup of tea. But that's not what we're dealing with here. These are the drive-me-crazy-turn-it-off-or-I'm-gonna-give-you-a-shiner-for-Christmas songs.
DAVE'S TOP TEN MOST DREADED CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Where Are You Christmas-Faith Hill
-A relative newcomer to my consciousness and already on the list. Overblown claptrap with no real emotion behind it. The entire first half is just filled with "poor me" lyrics about how it's harder to get in the spirit as an adult than as a child. And then when she "feels" Christmas at the end (whatever that means), it doesn't sound like an emotional breakthrough at all-just a lousy key change. And, on a side note, when did Faith start sounding like Vanessa Williams?
09. Blue Christmas-Elvis Presley
-Always hated this one. Not clever or interesting or heart tugging or anything. Just a bad song. Can't blame Elvis though, no one can make this song sound good. When even Johnny Cash can't make it tolerable you know you're in trouble. Oh, and that Elmer Fudd parody that gets played on the radio each year isn't funny either. It just makes a bad song worse.
07. The Christmas Shoes-I don't know, some guy, don't care
-This is how songs like this one are written. "Let's make it overly sentimental and use chords and instrumentation designed to tug at the heart strings just right, and let's put a kid in there too. Oh, and don't forget to have someone dying on Christmas Eve, that'll get 'em to buy this thing. Wait, gotta throw in Jesus too...and put in a vague glimmer of hope and redemption so the Christian soccer moms will love it too." I hate this kind of song. I hate this prefabricated way of writing music. I also hate that this song works on me every time and I well up like a little girl when I think about that poor kid and his mama. Curse you, Christmas Shoes!
06. Jingle Bell Rock Bobby Helms/Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree-Brenda Lee (tie w/disclaimer)
-The reason these songs are a tie is because they are interchangeable. They were safe, sanitized rock and roll when they were written and have remained so. Neither have much to do with rocking. These songs are trotted out every year by people who think that this sort of thing is fun and exciting and to show kids that Christmas music can be hip-even though much hipper has happened since. But here's the deal-you can keep one of them. I'm not completely unreasonable. I know people truly like these songs, and they're both used in a lot of movies so I understand the significance. Therefore I will allow society to pick one to hold on to, I don't care which. Just let me know so I can finally move on.
05. Santa Baby-anybody
-I used to think "The Chipmunk Song" was the height of greed in Christmas music. But "Santa Baby" is the clear winner in this department. A song about children's greed is one thing, but coming from an adult it's just pathetic. Pretty true, but still pathetic and certainly not something I need a song about. Is this supposed to be sexy? Some lady trying to seduce a man for presents? Sounds like just another day in Beverly Hills to me. Is it supposed to be funny? It's not. It's annoying and sexist. Not sexy-sexist. Heh. Spinal Tap reference. Anyway, hate it.
04. Mary Did You Know-Kenny Rogers
-Well, I think she had an inkling. I mean, she was told the deal upfront. Gonna have a baby. Gonna be the son of God, the Messiah. So to a degree, yeah, she had some idea of what she was getting into. Now, she couldn't have known all the details or how things would wind up, but she wasn't completely blind to it either. Nice thought but a flawed concept. Incidentally, this song was originally written by Mark Lowry, a Christian stand up comic (and a pretty good one at that). Poor guy made the jump into music and this was all he came up with. Too bad. You know, I used to be a comic, and I write songs now too...kinda makes me nervous.
03. The Little Drummer Boy-traditional
-The only acceptable version of this song is the Bing Crosby/David Bowie duet. Why? Because a.) Bing sounds so blitzed that the "rumpumpums" all run together in a fun way and B.) Bowie drowns out this awful song with another song on top. Plus, both Bowie and Bing are awesome. No-one else is allowed to sing this anymore ever. the "rumpumpums" hurt my brain. Next person to sing it gets a good swift kick. And by the way, why in the hell would you bring a drum to play for a baby?
02. All I Want For Christmas Is You-Mariah Carey
-Got no problem with Mariah overall, but this song just sucks. I think she was going for a Phil Spector/Ronnettes style tribute with this one, but failed. Miserably. spector's stuff was dense, sure, but crystal clear as well. This song is just a mess. Nice sentiment, poor execution. It actually hurts my ears to listen to this. Sucky, sucky, five dollar.
01. Do You Hear What I Hear?-traditional
-If it's the single most annoying Christmas song ever, then yes I do. The repetitiveness (if that's even a word) of this song just gets too me. It's lame and juvenile. No, wait, that's insulting to the young folks. This song is not only awful from minute one, but for Christians it should raise some concerns. Okay, first of all, talking animals? Sounds kinda pagan-ish to me. Also, which king would this song be referring to? When the sheppard boy informs the king of the Messiah's birth, the king seems to be overjoyed, prays for peace and declares the child bringer of the light. Huh. Last time I read the Bible King Herod wanted to have the Christ child killed. What is this, retro-active PR? Terrible song, bad theology.
And there you have it. Feel free to leave your most dreaded Christmas songs in the comments. Might be fun.
Until next time.
2 comments:
The #1 spot on my Christmas "shiner" list belongs to the song "Winter Wonderland."
When I was in college, I had to work to earn any money I needed for....I called it spending money. I worked at a retail store which is now Dillards. During Christmas, retail stores play holiday music every minute of every day for the month leading up to Christmas. Shoppers supposedly enjoy the music. As a store worker, I at first enjoyed the music and most if the time didn't pay attention to it as I was busy working. However there was one particular music only version of "Winter Wonderland" that it seemed like I heard constantly. No matter which hours I worked, early or late, I heard the same version if the song again and again and again and again. I heard it in my head when I left work, on my way to work, and may hear it now.
If I would have heard that version of the song one more time that year - I don't really know what I could done. Thankfully, the season was over before I was over.
I still cannot approach a Christmas Season without thinking of "Winter Wonderland," the song that almost destroyed Christmas.
And don't ask about the time we worked a funnel cake stand next to the main bandstand at the Straussenfest and how many times I heard the damn "duck dance."
I've gotta deliver a big "screw you for that" on both "Jingle Bell Rock" AND "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree."
I'm virtually dead inside, when it comes to Christmas...and I like BOTH those songs!
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