Phobias.
Many people have them. Most phobias are quite common and understandable, even to those who don't share that particular fear. The fear of heights for example. Or spiders. Or large bodies of water. All perfectly acceptable things to be afraid of. After all, if you're going to have a phobia, have a popular one.
But not me. Nope. I have a weird one. I have been able to get over most of my fears. Flying, for one. I still don't particularly like to fly but I have done it successfully and scratched it off of my list. I have gotten better about the arachnophobia as well. I mean, I still freak out at really BIG spiders, but your standard household variety I can gingerly walk up to and smoosh. However, there is one fear that is so illogical, so weird that I don't believe it shall ever be defeated.
I have globophobia-the fear of balloons.
No, really, I do. Stop snickering. It's a thing. Google it.
The prevailing theory is that us globophobes had something traumatic happen to us as children regarding balloons. Probably having one pop in our face or something of that ilk. In fact, the most common fear amongst my fellow balloon haters is the fear that of a popping balloon. Now, in the past I have gone on record stating other reasons for my condition. Usually something like "They just float there, man!" or some such nonsense. I have always been embarrassed by this but if the truth be told, yeah, I'm afraid the dang thing will pop.
But it's not a passive fear, it is intense. As soon as I see a balloon I get nervous, sweaty, my pulse quickens, and a part of my brain goes in to a hyper sensitive protection mode. I immediately size up the room and all possible popping scenarios. I need to figure out how many balloons there are, where they are in proximity to me, and if anyone in the room seems to be a little too happy or frivolous and might just make a play for the balloon. I have left parties I just arrived to because the balloon to human ratio was all out of whack.
Oh, and the most important question: are there any children around? Nothing is worse than a child who is allowed to play with balloons. Have you seen what children do with balloons? They ride them, sit on them, bite at them, kick them, hit each other with them, drag them on the floor, flail them about madly, and I don't know what else because by then I'm almost in panic mode and just want to go home. A child with a balloon is completely unpredictable and is not to be trusted.
In fact, balloons are not allowed in my house. My kids are limited to school/church functions as far as playing with balloons go. If they do happen to sneak one in it must remain in the basement, out of my sight, until it has withered down to nothing and can be easily disposed. A few weeks ago my daughter Melody was given an uninflated balloon by a friend. She came up to me and said, "Daddy, do you know how to blow this up?" "No," I replied, "No I don't". I know it was mean but, seriously, what else could I do...inflate the thing?!!! Not an option.
I have read various tips on how to get over this condition. Everything from blowing balloons up yourself to playing with them on your own (no kids) and being "in control" of the popping. None of these have worked for me, they only make it worse. I am cursed.
Okay, having said all this I should make it clear that I have found ways to deal with my phobia. I mostly keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. Those high school acting classes have paid off. I try not to make a big deal out of it and most people are unaware there is an issue. It's been a long time since I had a full scale balloon induced panic attack, and I have no reason to think I shall have another. But inside I still freak out just the same.
So, don't worry about me. Have your parties and your fairs and carnivals. Decorate with balloons if you need to. But if you've invited me, maybe don't use quite so many. Okay?
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