Outsider

I am thirty-eight years old. I have never fit in. It doesn't matter the situation, whether it's at parties, in the workplace, church groups, extended family, whatever, I almost always feel like I'm outside looking in. Like I don't truly belong.

There's not any one reason I feel this way, if there was then it would create a pattern as to why I feel both distant and alienated. Sometimes I feel as though whatever I do it's not good enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not good enough as a person. Because of my inherent weirdness, I'm the kind of person who can be easy to criticize and pick apart. Ultimately I realize that other people's negative opinions don't really mean anything because I know who I am and what they are so I'm usually pretty good at letting insults, rude behavior and idiocy go. However, there's a (decent sized) part of me that is afraid they might be right.

I've learned to accept my different-ness and outsider status. I've even managed to embrace it, and use it as a source of pride in many ways and on many occasions.

But sometimes it still hurts.

To be fair, there are some situations in which I feel at my ease and a full part of things. Obviously at home it's good with my wife and kids, and with my immediate family. I tend to feel pretty good with any of the artistic projects I'm involved with (bands, performing arts and what not) but that's pretty much it.

I know, I know, everyone feels this way from time to time. But I feel like this most of the time. As a teenager, I always clung to the idea that these feelings would somehow all get better when I became an adult. Well, here I am. Is it better? Yeah, a little. But it never goes away.

Hey, all things considered I'm a lucky guy and have no reason to complain. I'm proud of who I am. In fact, there are a lot of times when I'm glad I don't fit in. I just sometimes wish that I could be a little bit more accepted for who I am. Well, maybe accepted is not the word...maybe I'd just like to be a little less misunderstood. And I wish it didn't bother me so damn much.

So the bottom line is that I am proud to be an individual, but I long for approval and, yes, acceptance from a society and people from which I have purposely distanced myself. Not a great place to be. I guess that's why I write. Songs, jokes, blogs, any writing or performing I've ever done has been an attempt to get that approval and bridge the gap. To make me feel like I'm better than me. Probably has something to do with my mother,

Anyway, sorry to put you all through reading that. Just some things I needed to get out and get sorted. Thanks for being my guinea pig/punching bag/shrink and for your patience with my strange ramblings. Movie post next time as promised.